Commercial Intercourse Decorum

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
17. All things being equal, larger people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
25. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.

It has been brought to the attention of management that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between co-workers. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers. This conduct will no longer tolerated.

Management does however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when talking with fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list.

It is imperative that employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue:

New Phrase: Old Phrase:
I’m not really certain that’s feasible. No fucking way.
REALLY? You’re shitting me.
Perhaps you should check with ... Tell someone who gives a shit.
Of course I’m concerned. Ask me if I give a shit.
I wasn’t involved with that project. It’s not my fucking problem.
Interesting behavior. What the fuck?
I’ll try to schedule that. Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner?
Perhaps I can work late. When the hell do they expect me to do this?
Are you sure it’s a problem? Who the fuck cares?
He’s not familiar with the problem. He’s got his head up his ass.
You don’t say! Eat shit!
Excuse me? Eat shit and die!
Excuse me, sir? Eat shit and die, asshole!!
They weren’t happy with it? What the fuck do they want from my life?
Do you want my help with it? Kiss my ass?
I’m a bit overloaded at this time. Fuck it. I’m on salary.
I don’t think you understand. Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge. This job sucks.
You want me to take care of this? Who died and made you boss?
I see. Blow me.
Do you see? Blow yourself.
Yes, we should discuss this. Another fucking meeting!

Helpful Lingo tips, So we’ll know what the office youngsters are saying--and thinking!

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
Elvis Year: The peak year of something’s or someone’s popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993."
404: Someone who’s clueless. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn’t be located.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot’ed."
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
Disclaimer

David M Friscia does not warrants the accuracy, reliability or timeliness of any information and shall not be liable for any losses caused by such reliance on the accuracy, reliability, or timeliness of such information. Portions of such information may be incorrect or not current. Any person or entity who relies on any information obtained from the System does so at his or her own risk.

Questions or comments, email mailto dave@dmfriscia.info